It has been two weeks now since Dad's passing, and time remains a strangely surreal and warped sense surrounding me. In the moments of his death, time stopped. It became as nothing. And yet it was everything... because there was no more time.
In his final, shallow exhale, in the peace of that breath, he was gone.
Two weeks later, I am still trying to wrap my head - well, more my heart - around the fact that I will not see him, talk with him, any further this side of the eternal veil. Life marches on, time soldiers on (despite my frozen sense of stillness within its march), respecter of no man. It simply is.
There is never enough time. And time, it is the only currency that matters.
When I knew that I would, in fact, have the strength to speak at Dad's funeral, I recalled a letter I had written him seven years previous, part of a Christmas present to him. It was a letter of honour, from me to him, a penning of gratitude. I wanted to find and read the letter as my eulogy because it said everything I wanted to say about him. I told Mom, and together we hunted for the letter. To no avail.
It was not to be found.
I resigned myself to the fact that the letter was gone and that I would have to sit and scratch together the words swirling in the vestiges of my heart, that I would have to try and line the words up to make sense and be as fitting as was deserving my father's send-off. I cobbled together some things that would serve as a passable bridge between my brokenness and the wish to honour the man he was (he is, ever).
One week after the funeral, my brother phoned me with the breathless news that he'd found the letter. His son - my nephew, Jake - had received one of my father's guitars as a keepsake. As he was exploring the contents of the guitar's case, he found the letter I'd written to Dad. He gave it back to me today, and as I read the words over that I had penned seven years ago, they were the very words my heart wanted to sing and share at the funeral, in celebration of his life.
While this is a shallow substitute, this electronic hallway, I share them now. They speak my heart, they are my gift of honour to the most important man in my life. They are in honour of Jim Lee, my beloved father...
**************
December 25, 2008
Dad,
Not too long ago I read an article about honour and I realized that I have done very little in life to honour those most important to me. I thought about how I could do so and decided to write a letter to share how much I appreciate, love and admire to the most important people in my world. And, so, here I am, writing from the cuff.
There is so much I appreciate and admire about you - you are certainly and without hesitation one of my heroes in life!
All through my life you have been an unwavering support of generosity and care. I cannot count the times you were there to provide needed assistance and guidance through some of my darker days. I cannot express the depths of my gratitude for that, which I see as a tremendous gift from you to me - I could not have endured so well through those tumultuous times had I not been blessed with your dynamic and compassionate care and provision.
As I stop to consider the depth of man that you are, I recognize that you didn't become who you so brilliantly are without having had to endure many a trial and painful experience. Those hard things have forged a kind heart, a formidable community-minded soul who has tended family, first and foremost.
There is so much of who you are and what you stand for that so deeply inspires me. I want you to know that I see and honour not only who you are now but also what you have endured to become the extraordinary man that you are. You live and lead by example.
I think of your quiet and unwavering support of your family - time and again you demonstrated your loyalty and devotion not only to Mom and us kids, but to your parents and siblings and beyond the extended family to friends and acquaintances. I know that you have done many a good deed in secret, and many folk are indebted to your kindness. I am so proud and grateful to be your daughter.
I know I have not always been an easy daughter and I know that some of my life choices have been a disappointment for you. When you could have stepped away, you didn't. When you could have shared the harsh truth, you didn't. There have been many a time I have been stubborn and bull-headed and distant - even arrogant. For that I apologise and ask your forgiveness for such disregard as I demonstrated.
As the years go forward and time mellows attitudes and perceptions I am glad to see we can be peaceable in our interactions... I am blessed by you in so many ways and am thankful for the years as they've unfolded.
You have been a stalwart and formidable role model for my girls and have stood in the gap of what is a great chasm in their lives. That they have such a wonderful man as a grandfather - one who shows them what familial responsibility, loyalty, respect and love is - is something irreplaceable and profound. When they consider finding mates in their lives, it is my deepest hope that they will call to mind the kind of man their grandfather is and seek such a mate for themselves. I would that I had been only half as smart myself.
There are so many things I wish to convey... from you I have learned the duty of hard work, of the responsibility of leadership, of the call to aide others, of honouring family, of the need for regular rest, of industry and making do with what is at hand, of never giving up no matter what the odds.
I thank you for your guidance and support, I thank you for your care and concern, I thank you for all the help you have given me over the years.
I thank you that, even though I am certain it was difficult, you did not stand in my way when I made the decisions I made. I am of the spirit and mind that, it would seem, I must learn the big lessons of life the hard way. I thank you that you have always been there for me, through thick and thin as I made my choices - even despite them!
You deeply inspire me on so many levels and I want you to know that those things of importance to you, the character in which your sense of being and your unwavering commitment to your personal responsibilities and investments is recognized and met with my admiration, respect and gratitude. Who you have become has been, I know, through great personal cost. Do know that you have invested wisely - this world, and my life, is a much better thing by your presence and being.
In this day and age it is so very easy to lose sight of that which is truly important. It is so easy to leave the important things unsaid and to feel the important things in isolation. I don't wish to regret a proud silence when I should have shared my heart, of not letting those important to me know what I think and feel.
You are a phenomenal man, a wonderful father and extraordinary grandfather. I am proud to be your daughter. I love you, Dad.
May rich blessings and love be yours, ever.
Carrie
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