09.11.13 - stepping off the merry-go-round for an afternoon of nothing

My year has been one of shifting perspectives, changed notions, different paths, new discoveries, emotional departures and arrivals. My personal, spiritual, quest has moved to more challenging terrains, which have proven far more satisfying and fulfilling than I first anticipated.

Hard work brings big reward in the land of the soul. I am inspired to pursue deeper truths and understandings, to grow to fuller potentials.

I sense and see a life-shift in the not-too-distant future. I welcome it.

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I find myself of late becoming more introspective, retreating somewhat from the rest of the world, going to the inner space to reflect on the yens and churns of the soul. Time ticks. I'm not yet fully stepped into that which I yearn to do and be.

Am certain friends and family find me an enigma of sorts these days, aloof and unaccessible. Probably a bit miffed with me as well. In the past, I would feel guilty and compelled to bridge gaps. Now, I'm tired and have elected to preserve my energies on doing some self-work. It's time.

It's interesting... this introspective season upon me has me dissecting and analysing my emotional threads and responses to most things. I see patterns in myself and one by one I'm disentangling myself from the tangled webs of habit and behaviour those patterns have woven into my psyche. In the ago of life, my overly active sense of responsibility would have me feeling I needed to make sure those miffed with me were duly soothed and all was well in their world. Cost exacted to me, banked as an emotional overdraft to deal with later. Lots of triangulation happening. I don't have the energy anymore for those binding patterns. Feeding them takes me (or the others in my life) no further down the path of fulfillment and purpose. I do have a responsibility still, certainly -- there is a need to start with the realignment of emotional foundations that will be rebuilt on healthy and productive contributions to self and others, especially moving forward into that which I desire to take on. If I'm no good to me, I'm certainly no good to anyone else in my world. As the sense of time accelerates (at least it's doing so with me) and time shifts from now to then, I feel the urgency to get on with the business of being.

Is why I'm enjoying the transpersonal psychotherapy classes so much. Manna to the soul. Making me think and feel my way through all the various things that hold me back from stepping into that which will bring depth and breadth and life to this living I'm doing.

So, yeah. Things are not always as they seem.

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One of the things I've been fully challenged to learn and understand these last few years is the truth behind "we judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their actions." I remember back in the day at a women's retreat where I was one of the keynote speakers that I spoke about this very thing. And, oohhhhh, in my zealous righteousness I laid it down! I could cuff that version of myself in the ear now, when I think about it. But my intention was true and noble and right (oh the irony of that)!

It's one of those fundamental truths of human nature, though: we thrive on judging self by intent and everyone else by demonstrated act. We assume all sorts of things - we create, with lightning speed! - stories in our heads that bring life and justification to our assumptions and deductions. We generate drama where there is none. We make asses of ourselves in the process.

One of the big ones nowadays is instant messaging, or BBMing, on smartphones. We expect people to respond to us with immediacy. We expect the people in our lives to be on-tap 24/7 at our beck and call. We expect they will indulge at our preference and convenience. It is unbelievable the sense of entitlement that has been created around a tool for communication! A tool! We treat instant messaging like it's an extension of the actual people we're seeking to communicate with. It leaves me gobsmacked. While smartphones are a handy-dandy convenience they are also a massive intrusion.

Back to intent and action. Wanna test yourself on that one? Instant message someone. Analyse your expectations and response (both internal and external) when you don't get immediate reply. You might discover you have a level of entitlement you weren't consciously aware of before. If that's the case, you might wanna step away from your smartphone, unplug from electronica and take a deep breath. The phones aren't life, after all. Only tools that mirror illusion.

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And that's that. Enough of my extrapolating and pontificating for today.

And life is.